5. Most people aren’t judging you

One of the most common fears among – well, anyone – is that they’re being constantly judged or made fun of by people around them. ‘This is half right,’ points out Neil Strauss, author of The Game. ‘People may notice you, but most of them are too busy worrying about what people are thinking of them to judge you. Once you realise that most people are just like you, you’ll start to become socially fearless.’ PUAs ‘learn’ this by relentlessly approaching groups of girls – you can do it more easily. From now on, when you’re worried about people judging you, just think about how infrequently you worry about what anyone else is doing. That ought to fix it.

4. Some people are just naturally better at X – but that doesn’t matter

Let’s not get into a nature/nurture thing and just accept that, yes, some people seem ‘naturally’ better at talking to members of the opposite sex, just like some people are ‘naturally’ more confident in job interviews, presentations, or BAFTA acceptance ceremonies, or ‘naturally’ better at maths, running fast, or kicking a ball into a net. Maybe they are. But that doesn’t matter, because if you aren’t ‘naturally’ talented, it’s not about who you are – it’s just about what you do and how you present yourself. Fix that – even if you have to fake it at first – and soon (well, at some point) you’ll have people envying your ‘natural’ talent. At this point, you can charge them two thousand pounds for a seminar, or break the cycle by, y’know, acting like an actual human.

3. ‘Being yourself’ is overrated

You’ve been told by dozens of films, cartoon animals and bitter X-Factor exit interviews that ‘being yourself’ is the highest ideal you can aspire to – but is it, really? Yes, it’s great if you’ve got a strong sense of who you are, what your strengths and values are, and how to convey them effectively – but no, it isn’t, if you’re using it as an excuse not to improve. Or, as Strauss has it: ‘What most of us present to the world isn’t necessarily our true self: it’s a combination of years of bad habits and fear-based behaviour. Our real self lies buried underneath all the insecurities and inhibitions. So rather than ‘being yourself’, focus on discovering and permanently bringing to the surface your best self.’ Seems legit.

2. Outcomes aren’t everything

Yes, it’s possible to be too outcome-focused. Life is unpredictable: even if you do everything exactly right, you aren’t always going to get exactly what you want: whether that’s a phone number, a date, a marriage, a specific job, a six-pack or a book deal. Being too outcome-focused, as most PUAs learn, can turn into a form of self-sabotage. Instead, emotionally detaching from the outcome – while taking rational steps towards smaller goals – can keep you focused. It’ll happen sooner or later – the important thing is doing everything you can to get the process right, and not beating yourself up over missteps.

1. ‘Inner game’ is better than ‘game’

At some point, all ‘PUAs’ make a distinction between ‘outer game’ – ie all the pre-prepared lines, routines, magic tricks and general bullshit that most ‘gurus’ teach – and ‘inner game’, which is basically shorthand for ‘being a slightly better person.’ Ultimately, the theory goes, confidence is difficult to fake, and so becoming genuinely more adventurous, curious, sociable and confident is much, much better than pretending. Instead of faking it until you make it, the idea goes, fake it until you become it – an idea which, like all the ones above, goes far, far beyond hitting on ladies in bars.

Dear Live Hard,

I think I’m a nice guy, but it doesn’t seem to be doing me any good. Do I have to start behaving like an asshole to get ahead in life or with women? Is it true that nice guys finish last?

Marshall, email

Ah, this question. Let’s start with the ‘women’ part, because that really seems to be the thing everyone’s talking about when they bemoan their ‘nice guy’ status. But rest assured, the rest is related.

Here’s the thing: by saying that you’re ‘nice’, all you really mean is that you’ve reached the minimum acceptable standard of behaviour for living in 21st century society. That’s an achievement of sorts – a lot of people can’t even manage that – but to expect it to make you some sort of saint-figure batting away Tinder requests like Neo stopping bullets in the Matrix is, at the very least, insanely deluded. As far as I can tell (I’m not in the best position to comment), most women are constantly being asked out, hit on, catcalled, e-harassed and generally pestered on a scale it’s difficult for men to comprehend. Are they supposed to give every suitor whose LinkedIn profile reads ‘Polite; not an obvious murderer’ the time of day? They’d never have time for anything else.

On the flipside, perhaps you’ve seen men succeed with women by behaving like outrageous arseholes. This is certainly possible: the science of creepy-level NLP, cold-reading and crowd psychology has certainly come along way in recent years, and some of it definitely works – and, to look at it even more depressingly, some of the things that genuine, untrained, horrible arseholes do will, for complicated reasons, appeal to some women. The problem is that this is no way to actually live: relationships are supposed to be about taking on the world together, not winning some sort of zero-sum power struggle, and by thinking about them in an adversarial way you’re actually making your own life worse, not just the unlucky woman you manage to attract.

So here’s my actual advice. Bank the ‘niceness’ – hang onto that, but remember that it doesn’t make you any better than a waiter or mobile phone salesperson – and start to work on becoming more interesting. Do things with your life: things that inspire you, or challenge you, or scare you, or improve other people’s lives. Work on improving yourself, as a person: your work ethic, your passion, your satisfaction with who you are – not stupid little tricks that you can use in a bar. Once you’re happier with yourself, this stuff won’t be a problem. Nice guys finish wherever they finish: but interesting guys will always beat them.